"Secret Thoughts of a Doctor" joke

"This should be taken care of right away."
-- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here?"
-- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
-- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
-- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
-- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
-- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
-- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
-- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
-- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
-- I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may hurt a little."
-- Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
-- I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
-- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
-- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
-- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"There is a lot of that going around."
-- That's the third one this week! I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
-- I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm off next week.