"Sheriff's Log (offensive to Hoosiers)" joke

In a small midwestern town, nestled-up in the wee rolling hills of
southern Indiana, there's a microcosm of all that is (and shall ever
be) the Great Mid West. It's known as Brown County. Yup. That's
my hometown!
And if you want to know what's going on in Brown County, you only
have to read the Sheriff's Log in the local paper, The Brown County
Democrat. Heck, even if you don't want to know what's going on, you
still read it for the comic relief!
This is a small collection of some of the actual phone calls received
by the Sheriff's department in good 'ol Brown County, Indiana:
Man on Bellsville Road reported someone has knocked down
his mailbox and then came back and ran over it.
11:14pm Man reports suspicious vehicle on Butler Road.
11:34pm Deputy reports vehicle had a couple of "lovers"
in it. They were advised to pull the car off the road.
Man has found a couch hidden behind a wood pile.
Woman's washing machine has overheated. Woman's unplugged
it, but it is still smoking.
Man is coming out of a man hole.
Person calls to ask if it is raining.
Man reports the covered bridge in Bean Blossom didn't feel
right when he drove over it. County highway is advised.
Someone reports nude swimmers at Pikes Peak-two cars
dispatched.
Trouble reported at the county dump. Someone abandoned a
person there.
4:02am Caller reports a "boat just went through Morgantown
at a high rate of speed," headed west.
Woman phones that she has "found a bull."
Man wanted to know if he could burn his house down. Was
advised to talk to the fire department.
Man complains on phone of noise pollution from helicopter.
He said sheriff department should stop the helicopter.
Someone on phone said, "I'd like to report a fire" and then
hung up.
2:20pm Woman on 135 north suspects radiator may have been
stolen from auto.
2:47pm Deputy reports radiator not stolen; woman was confused
because radiator was not behind grill on transverse engine.
Man wants to know if sheriff would like to come watch his
snakes eat.
Woman requests a deputy-her pussycat is sick and will not
come out from under the bed. Deputy enroute.
Cattle are out; Sheriff enroute to help round up the herd.
4:11am Girls at a slumber party request assistance. Two
deputies enroute.
Man advises there may be domestic trouble soon at his home.
6:41pm Woman on Three Notch Road phones that she accidentally
grazed her husband while shooting hogs.
6:51pm Woman phones again to advise disregard earlier phone
call. Says her husband received only a couple of small scratches
on his chest from ricocheting shotgun pellets.
Man phones to say a dog has bitten his child. He shot dog and
is taking its head to State Board of Health.
Monroe County said a woman wanted us to be on the look out for
her husband who is drunk. She said she was worried about the car.
Man reports his son has run away with two girls.
Man reports he will be burning his sister's barn on Valley
Branch Road.
Woman reports her husband may report his car stolen but she has
it and he knows it.
Man complained that a neighbor has got a dog in heat and his dog
left because of it. He was advised to call the Humane Society
because there is not much you can do about Mother Nature.
A grouse flew through a window on Helmsburg Road setting off a
burglar alarm, and cat ate the grouse.
Woman on Artist Drive reported varmits in their flue.
9:13am Eleven cows missing since last night on Green Valley Road.
9:42am Disregard on missing cows. They have come home.
Woman at Fruitdale complains that neighbor's dogs won't let her
go to mailbox.
Man advises that his dog, which bit a person has been all right
since then.
Man from Gnaw Bone advises that two unauthorized cows are on his
property.
Woman reports she found a dead dog in her bed. Deputy inves