"Signs You're Drinking Too Much Coffee" joke

Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
Jai alai plays as slow as a senior's golf tournament to you.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without
using the timer.
You listen to speed metal to relax.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
You can jump start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from sweet & low.
You buy milk by the barrel.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on the treadmill before realizing it's
not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
People get dizzy just watching you.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
You've melted away your fillings.
People can test their batteries in you ears.
Your face is on a Colombian postage stamp.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Lightning strikes you and it gets perked up.
Commodity traders use you to predict the world coffee market.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without the remote.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You ride an exercise bike to work.
You can outlast the energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
You can play ping pong without a partner.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
Your blood type is c8-h10-n4-o2.
You made provisions in your will for your coffee supply.
You tear open bean bags just to make sure.
You use coffee flavored mouthwash.
You constantly speak like an auctioneer.
Your children don't come near you until you've had your
first cup.
The stewardess hands you the whole pot.
You have coffee stains on your fingers.
You meditate while listening to your natural sounds of
coffee brewing CD.
The Betty Ford clinic opened a coffee ward just for you.
You had to remove your car stereo to make room for your
cup holder.
You carry a spare mug in your trunk.
You lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of
iced coffee to get you in the mood.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
Without you, the US would not be the world's leading coffee consumer.
You think CPR stands for "coffee provides resuscitation".