"Steven Wright 09" joke

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short. ..

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2: 30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away' Cause I'm Not Raking' Til Spring."

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.