"Teachings of the Bible" joke

Here are some responses by younger students from a secular
school when asked to expound on various teachings of the Bible. Their words
are unedited:
"In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off."
"Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree."
"Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark."
"Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears."
"Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."
"The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unwympathetic Genitals."
"Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah."
"Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles."
"Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients."
"The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments."
"The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple."
"The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery."
"Moses died before he ever reached Canada."
"Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol."
"The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him."
"David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Bibical times."
"Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary
heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta."
"When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in
the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption."
"St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head."
"Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you."
"He also explained, 'a man doth not live by sweat alone.'"
"It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance."
"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels."
"The epistles were the wives of the apostles."
"One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan."
"St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage."
Now, while we pause for a moment to wonder which of these authors will be
filling our prescriptions and writing our wills when they reach adulthood,
let's also consider that some of them could have a great future in punditry.
Here's a likely candidate:
"A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony."