"The Tiger (with apologies to William Blake)" joke

Tiger, Tiger, bleeding bright
In the driveway of the night
What small Swedish hand or wrist
With a three-wood your head kissed?

What the anger, what the fire
Was so stoked by the Enquirer?
Twas there motive, twas there goal?
Did you play an extra hole?

Couldst thou not appease her
After bedding a skeezer?
Was your mom of no aid, though
Batt’ling that white tornado?

Were you chased from hearth and home
A golf club aimed at your dome?
Did the instinct come to pass
“My caddy will save my ass”?

When Elin did swing her club
Did you cower like a cub?
Did you know she’d hit a ton
And put you on the green in one?

When the impact made a thud
Wat’ring the lawn with your blood
Did she smile her work to see?
And did the pain make you pee?

And as neighbors heard your snores
Did you dream about your whores?
Complete defeat, is this true?
Beat you and your caddy, too?

Now as you try to clean up
Have you reread that pre-nup?
Is hush money a small price
For avoiding Elin’s slice?

Were your sponsors caused great stress
By the words of that waitress?
Or is the deal perm’nent now
With “Nike” marked on your brow?

Tiger, Tiger, bleeding bright
In the driveway of the night
What small Swedish hand or wrist
With a three-wood your head kissed?

–DTM