"Things A Good Dog Remembers" joke

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the' fridge or sofa or under the bed.
I must shake the rainwater off of my coat before entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead or decaying mammals, fish or fowl just because I like the way they smell.
"Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.
I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my owners will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
Even though we have a door bell, I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the Trooper's hand when he reaches in for Dad's driver's license and car registration.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
To avoid having a string hanging out of my butt, I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage.
I will not "roll around in the dirt" after getting a bath.
I will not fart, belch, or sneeze at my owner while sleeping in their bed.
I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
The cat is not a squeaky toy... So when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.