"Time share holiday advert" joke

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT, IN FACT URGENT, IN FACT VITAL MESSAGE
FROM GLOBSQUIRTLE TIMESHARE RIPOFFS INC!!! SO URGENT THAT WE
HAVE KIDNAPPED THE POSTMAN'S GRANNY AND WILL BE PULLING HER
TOENAILS OUT UNLESS HE DELIVERS THIS LETTER PRETTY DAMN QUICKLY!!!
YES!!! YOU HAVE ALREADY WON ONE OF THE FOLLOWING PRIZES!!!
Solid gold Rolls Royce with built in wine cellar, swimming
pool and radio telescope.
Ten zillion pounds in used notes.
A lifetime's supply of Plutonium (or a year's, whichever
is longer) and as much custard as you can eat.
Belgium.
Twenty paintings by Van Gogh, showing a bearded loony
with one ear. Oh, in fact that's HIM, sorry.
Manuscript of an unknown Wagner opera, "The Gods strike back"
which was supposed to come after the other ones. It turns out
that Siegfried isn't really dead and Wotan claims on the Insurance
for Valhalla. Also the deeds of Bayreuth Opera house so that
you can get the thing performed.
A dozen Stradivarius violins.
A piece of slightly used chewing gum.
APPLY NOW TO CLAIM YOUR FREE GIFT!!! OBVIOUSLY WE CAN'T TELL
YOU YET WHICH ONE YOU HAVE WON, BUT YOU ARE GUARANTEED TO
WIN ONE OF THE ABOVE GIFTS, WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED (EXCEPT IN
THE CASE OF (7) OF COURSE) [joke]
WHAT WAS THAT? TALK IN LOWER CASE?
Oh all right, doesn't look as good though, does it?
Anyway, to claim the free gift, all you have to do is turn up at
a presentation on Wednesday evening next week, where our
salesmen will try and talk you into buying a ludicrously
overpriced timeshare on a holiday tent in the Gobi desert.
Isn't that what you've always wanted? You too can spend the
first two weeks of February dying of thirst EVERY YEAR!!!
But there is no compulsion to buy of course, and it is certainly
not true that those who don't buy get beaten up. Well not
necessarily.
BY the way, if you ARE going to be out next Wednesday, please
leave a window open and turn off burglar alarms, give the dog a
sleeping pill, etc. Our sister company Globsquirtle Burglaries
Inc. may be sending a salesman round...
See you on Wednesday...