"Top Ten Christmas Quotations" joke

See how many of these you hear this year!
Here are my FAVORITE top ten Christmas Quotations
My God, Aint Sally, don't use the BUTTER KNIFE to spread that oleo on your own damn bread!
Why is it that **MY** children always has to drink out of the jelly glasses?
I'd just love for all y'all to come to **MY** place next Christmas, but I'm afraid there ain't room for all of us in that little tiny trailer.
Well, I got it at Sears. If it don't fit, I'm sure they'll be glad to swap it for you for a larger size. I just di'n't realize you waz wearing a ***24W*** already.
What the hell am I supposed to do with T*H*I*S? Didn't anybody git me any white socks?
I don't EVER put olives on MY deviled eggs. I just don't know why anybody would! Skeeter's allergic to olives, ain't you, Skeeter? Why, yes, you are so! You are, too, allergic to olives!
Who let that damn dog get into my box of chocolate-covered cherries? I was gonna drop them by WyeVonne's. Miz Marshall down at the mill give all us girls a box. WyeVonne wouldn't have never know'd where they come from. Now I'm gonna haf' to give her one of my boxes of dustin' powder!
I see y'all still are devote's of arboreal sacrifice. We've had an artificial tree for YEARS!
Momma, why's Aint Bobbie making me eat off a plain plate? Yores has got a Christmas tree on it!
Yep, I been settin' 'air for three hours an' forty-two minutes, by my clock. An' 'air he come! ARE Y'ALL ALL LISTENIN' TO THIS? I got him right t'air in the cross hairs. I pull the trigger, and - S*P*L*A*T!!! Bye-bye, Bambi.... Pass me some more of that venison, R.J.
Revised, 1996. By Lee Bradley.
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Lee Bradley