"Virus Alert! (a public service announcement)" joke

Warning: There's a new virus on the loose that's worse than anything I've seen before! It gets in through the power line, riding on the powerline 60 Hz subcarrier. It works by changing the serial port pinouts, and by reversing the direction one's disks spin. Over 300,000 systems have been hit by it here in Murphy, West Dakota alone! And that's just in the last 12 minutes.
It attacks DOS, Unix, TOPS-20, Apple-II, VMS, MVS, Multics, Mac, RSX-11, ITS, TRS-80, and VHS systems.
To prevent the spresd of the worm:
Don't use the powerline.
Don't use batteries either, since there are rumors that this virus has invaded most major battery plants and is infecting the positive poles of the batteries. (You might try hooking up just the negative pole.)
Don't upload or download files.
Don't store files on floppy disks or hard disks.
Do NOT read messages! Not even this one!
Don't use serial ports, modems, or phone lines.
Don't use keyboards, screens, or printers.
Don't use switches, CPUs, memories, microprocessors, or mainframes.
Don't use electric lights, electric or gas heat or airconditioning, running water, writing, fire, clothing or the wheel.
I'm sure if we are all careful to follow these 9 easy steps, this virus can be eradicated, and the precious electronic fluids of our computers can be kept pure.