"What if Earth First! handicapped the NFL?" joke

(Original. Inspired by Rush Limbaugh's 'Environmentalist Wacko Football
Picks'.)
The Tree-Hugger's Guide to the NFL
Sure, football is a violence-glorifying testosterone orgy that should be
banned. But that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it when you're not
out spiking trees or protesting your local gas station as a pollution-
mongering crime against the Earth. But when you're watching 22 steroid-
chomping overmuscled monsters (i.e, men) try to beat each other senseless
in a series of imperialist land grabs, how do you know who to cheer for?
We have the answer: Ranking the entire NFL in terms of What We Know Is
Right.
Our General Principles:
Any animal is better than any human.
Endangered animals are better than non-endangered animals.
Native Americans are better than other oppressed/discriminated
minorities are better than any other human.
Humans guilty of crimes against other humans are better than humans
guilty of crimes against animals are better than humans guilty of
crimes against the Earth.
Team names that aren't PC need to be fixed.
Some Special Cases:
Dolphins are the ultimate.
People who believe in their country are the absolute worst - lower
than whale doodoo.
And so, the Rankings:
1. Miami Noble, Intelligent, and Wise Dolphins
2. Philadelphia Endangered Bald Eagles
Atlanta Endangered Peregrine Falcons
Cincinnati Endangered Bengal Tigers
Chicago Endangered Grizzly Bears
6. Los Angeles Sort Of Endangered Rams
7. Seattle Generic Sea Birds, Some Of Which Are Endangered
8. Denver Horses Ridden Abusively By Humans
9. Detroit Lions
Indianapolis Colts
11. Washington Native Americans
12. Kansas City Native American Leaders
13. Cleveland Players Of Color
14. New York Vertically and Gravitationally Enhanced
15. New Orleans Sanctimonious Morals-Imposers
16. Phoenix Religious Hierarchy (don't let the bird fool you)
17. Los Angeles Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
Tampa Bay Waterborne Murder-Thief-Rapists
19. Green Bay Packers of Dead Abused Animal Flesh
20. New York Air- and Noise-Polluting Bird-Scaring Jets
21. Minnesota Fur- and Horn- Wearing Pillagers
22. Buffalo Wild West Show Stars and Cattle Abusers
23. Dallas Cattle Murderers and Native American Exploiters
24. San Diego Electricity Consumers
25. Houston Oil-Spilling Well-Drilling Natural Resource Wasters
26. Pittsburgh Coal-Burning Smog-Generating Steelers
27. San Francisco Gold Profiteers
28. New England White Male Gun-Carrying Tree-Chopping Imperialist Dogs
Normal Disclaimer: My opinions, not Magnavox's.
Disclaimer for the humor-impaired: This is satire, not real life.
Learn the difference.

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