"Years of Resolutions..." joke

I have worked tirelessly in setting New Year's Resolutions every January 1st.

While I'm not always the best at keeping them, I'm consistent, and I'm sure this year will be better than ever before.

I don't like to brag, but I thought maybe you'd enjoy seeing the progress I've made. Here's to a Happy 2005!

RESOLUTION #1:

1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.

2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.

2001: I will read 5 books a year.

2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief

2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.

2004: I will read at least one article this year.

2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:

1999: I will get my weight down below 180.

2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.

2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.

2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2003: I will work out 5 days a week.

2004: I will work out 3 days a week.

2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3:

1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.

2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.

2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.

2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.

2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.

2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001.

2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.

RESOLUTION #4:

2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.

2003: I will not leave Marge.

2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.

2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

RESOLUTION #5:

2002: I will stop looking at other women.

2003: I will not get involved with Wanda.

2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.

2005: I will stop looking at other women.

RESOLUTION #6:

2002: I will not let my boss push me around.

2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.

2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.

2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

RESOLUTION #7:

2002: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.

2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.

2004: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.

2005: I will not speak to Charlie.

RESOLUTION #8:

2002: I will not take a drink before 5: 00 p. m.

2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon.

2004: I will not become a "problem drinker".

2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.

RESOLUTION #9:

2002: I will see my dentist this year.

2003: I will have my cavities filled this year.

2004: I will have my root canal work done this year.

2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

RESOLUTION #10:

2002: I will go to church every Sunday.

2003: I will go to church as often as possible.

2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.

2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.