2011 Jokes

Number of physicians in the US = 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000.
Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171
Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500
Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188
Conclusion - Doctors are approximately 9000 times more
dangerous than gun owners!

1970: Wore long hair
2011: Longing for hair
1970: Sitting around thinking of the perfect high.
2011: Sitting around thinking of the perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970: Finding a friend to split the price of a keg.
2011: Finding a friend to take me to have an EKG.
1970: Sitting through sessions of Acid Rock.
2011: Sitting through sessions of Acid Reflux.
1970: Thinking of moving to a real kool place.
2011: Thinking of moving to a real warm place.
1970: News stories of people growing pot.
2011: The reality of growing a pot belly.
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with my mother and sister.
2011: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with my grown children.
1970: Trying to look like Richard Rountree or Ron O'Neal.
2011: Trying NOT to look like Richard Rountree or Ron O'Neal.
1970: Chewing on seeds and stems.
2011: Chewing on lots of roughage.
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2011: Popping joints, more...

The following were some comments made in the year 1957:
(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00."
(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one."
(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
(6) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the more...

By 2011, Oprah will have been talking virtually non-stop for 25 years--a record surpassed only by Joe Biden.

I have worked tirelessly in setting New Year's Resolutions every January 1st.

While I'm not always the best at keeping them, I'm consistent, and I'm sure this year will be better than ever before.

I don't like to brag, but I thought maybe you'd enjoy seeing the progress I've made. Here's to a Happy 2005!



RESOLUTION #1:

1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.

2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.

2001: I will read 5 books a year.

2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief

2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.

2004: I will read at least one article this year.

2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:

1999: I will get my weight down below 180.

2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.

2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.

2002: I will try to more...