2011 Jokes / Recent Jokes

1 FASTEST TALKER: In 1995, Canadian Sean Shannon recited Hamlet's "To be or not to be" soliloquy, 260 words, in 23. 8secs.


2 HEAVIEST VEHICLE PULLED OVER 100FT: This year, Derek Boyer of Australia pulled a 30. 68-tonne truck-trailer combination 30. 5 metres.


3 HIGHEST SHALLOW DIVE: In January, Danny Higginbottom of Louisiana dived 8. 90m into 30cm of water.


4 BREATH HELD VOLUNTARILY: The USA's Robert Foster held his breath for 13mins 42. 5secs in 1959.


5 LONGEST TIME TO ENDURE FULL BODY ICE CONTACT: Wim Hoff of the Netherlands stood in an ice cube-filled tube for 1hr 17mins in January.


6 MOST CONSECUTIVE POGO-STICK JUMPS: In 1990, Gary Stewart did 177, 737 in California.


7 MOST GLASSES BALANCED ON THE CHIN: In 2001, Ashrita Furman managed 75 pint beer glasses for 10. 6secs in New York.


8 MOST ONE-FINGER PUSH-UPS: In 1992, Paul Lynch performed 124 in London.


9 more...

1875
After reading the works of Karl Marx, Claus V chooses communism as the new form of government for the North Pole. Some elves protest this, but they are successfully quieted. (It is also because of communism that Santa Claus' suit later changes from beige to red.)

1881
Claus IV dies in captivity, just as the new government gets underway. His funeral is not a large one.

1887
In order to keep up with growing populations, Claus Toys becomes industrialized. The elves learn the ways of mass production on the assembly line.

1893
Another mutant reindeer is born, and is named Rudolf II in honor of the first one, whom the communist government now honors for "giving the government back to the elves."

1900
Sigmund Freud's "The Interpretation of Dreams" is published.

1902
After he had been presumed dead for years, Frosty the Snowman is claimed to have been sighted on several occasions. All throughout the more...

As we all prepare to start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year's Resolutions. Here is my list of recent years' resolutions and the revised ones for 2006.
Resolution #1
2003: I will try to be a better husband to Lisa.
2004: I will not leave Lisa.
2005: I will try for reconciliation with Lisa.
2006: I will try to be a better husband to Rachel.
Resolution #2
2003: I will stop looking at other women.
2004: I will not get involved with Rachel.
2005: I will not let Rachel pressure me into another marriage.
2006: I will stop looking at other women.
Resolution #3
2003: I will not let my boss push me around.
2004: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2005: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2006: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
Resolution #4
2003: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2004: I will read at least 10 more...

I have worked tirelessly in setting New Year's Resolutions every January 1st.

While I'm not always the best at keeping them, I'm consistent, and I'm sure this year will be better than ever before.

I don't like to brag, but I thought maybe you'd enjoy seeing the progress I've made. Here's to a Happy 2005!



RESOLUTION #1:

1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.

2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.

2001: I will read 5 books a year.

2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief

2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.

2004: I will read at least one article this year.

2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:

1999: I will get my weight down below 180.

2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.

2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.

2002: I will try to more...

Army will play three football games at Yankee Stadium starting in 2011. Just a scant 70 years after they were any good.

India planted its flag on the moon as part of its first lunar mission. India plans to follow up this mission by landing a rover on the moon in 2011 and, eventually, with a string of lunar convenience stores.

Just in Sarah Palin will not be returning to TLC for 2011....
It was stated that she has a new show on Fox, similar to "Jeopardy" called " Are you Smarter than Sarah Palin... Wink(logo is an winking eye)... the only difference is that the contestants are younger than five..