"You know you're unloved if..." joke

You know you're unloved if...
when you were born, your Father gave out old cigar butts
as a baby, your Father threw you in the air and walked away
you find out your Mother is nursing another baby on the side
your tub toys included a toaster shaped like a rubber duck
your folks threw a "going-into-the-Army" party when you were 3
you run away, and the family can't give the Police a description
you were always stood-up at the Father-Son banquet at Church
kidnappers send back your ear & your parents demand more proof
you play "hide & seek" with Mom and she hides in another town
your parents take you to an orphanage and tell you to mingle
you had to share your sandbox with the cat
you always got your allowance in Traveler's Checks
you join the marching band in school and they give you a piano
you take a girl to the Tunnel of Love & she makes you swim
you were the only candidate for Class President & came in fifth
the only thing your girl wants out of your relationship is her
your kids file a paternity suit against you
the surgeon operating on you says, "I'll take all calls."