300 Jokes / Recent Jokes
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from USA, another from India, and the third from Sri Lanka. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.
When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?" So to the back fence they all went.
First to step up was the amarican contractor. He took out his tape, measured and pulled out the palm top, did some calculations and said, "Well I figure the job will run about 900 dollars. 400 for materials, 400 for my crew, and 100 profit for me."
Next was the Indian contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for 700. 300 for materials, 300 for my crew, and 100 profit for me."
Without doing any measuring and calulations, the Sri Lankan contractor more...
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300, 000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3. 5 children per household, that's 91. 8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822. 6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump more...
A person realized that he is overweight and went to see a doctor. The doctor called him and asked “How are you Amda? What the problem today? ” Then Amda replied “I feel I’m getting over weight. I want to drop this weight”. The doctor examine and advised him “run eight kilometers a day for 300 days to drop back to normal weight”
After 300 days, the doctor received a phone call around mid night. “Thank you doctor” “I have got back to my normal weight”. “But I have a problem”. "What's the problem? " the doctor asked. Then Amda replied "I'm 2400 km s away from home."
1) TV'S GALORE
Udurawana is buying a TV."Do you have colour TVs?"
"Sure."
"Give me a green one, please."
2) Flying High
Udurawana calls Air Lanka.
"How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a second," says the rep.
"Thank you." says the Udurawana and cuts the line.
3) EMPLOYMENT.
Udurawana was filling up an application form
for a job. He filled the columns titled NAME, AGE,
ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column Salary
Expected: After much thought he wrote: Yes
4) CROCODILE BOOTS.
Udurawana proposes to a woman. She says yes if you
bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off
to Africa and disappears. Finally a search team
found him hunting a huge crocodiles. He walks
over to the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims
"70th damn croc and this bugger is also barefeet!"
5) Thermos
Udurawana more...
Three contractors. . . One from Pakistan, another from Germany and the third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. A senior White House official takes them to examine it.
The English contractor: takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works on some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will cost $900. . . $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me."
The German contractor: also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Pakistani contractor doesn`t measure or do any figuring, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: " $2, 700."
The official incredulously says, "You didn`t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," the Pakistani explains, "$1, 000 for you, $1, 000 more...