Abby Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him any more.
You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like it!

Snappy answers to sappy questions:
All your puny problems solved in 10 words or less!
Q: Dear Abby,
What can I do about my little brother? He's such a pest!
A: Have you tried a flyswatter?
Q: Dear Abby,
My boss is a mean, unappreciative slave driver who constantly belittles me. What can I do?
A: Shut up and get back to work!
Q: Dear Abby,
My dad insists I clean my room! How can I get out of this?
A: Get a new dad.
Q: Dear Abby,
Why are you so lazy?
A: Dear loser, Why are you so stupid? Next question.
Q: Dear Abby,
Help! I need to lose weight! How can I stop eating all the fattening foods I love?
A: Send them to me and I'll eat them for you.

Snappy answers to sappy questions:All your puny problems solved in 10 words or less! Q: Dear Abby, What can I do about my little brother? He's such a pest! A: Have you tried a flyswatter? Q: Dear Abby, My boss is a mean, unappreciative slave driver who constantly belittles me. What can I do? A: Shut up and get back to work! Q: Dear Abby, My dad insists I clean my room! How can I get out of this? A: Get a new dad.Q: Dear Abby, Why are you so lazy? A: Dear loser, Why are you so stupid? Next question.Q: Dear Abby, Help! I need to lose weight! How can I stop eating all the fattening foods I love? A: Send them to me and I'll eat them for you.

An Unlikely Conversation
(written by Terry Herrin in a reply on Software Creations BBS)
Bart "I'd like to upgrade my Siamese to an Abyssinian."
Clerk "Do you want a red or a tan Abby?"
Bart "I dunno. Is there a difference besides the color?"
Clerk "Well, the red one is faster, but costs quite a bit more. Personally, I don't think it's worth it. The price/performance isn't as good as the tan one."
Bart "Do you think I need that extra speed?"
Clerk "Depends on what you're getting it for. Any big dogs near your house?"
Bart "Yes."
Clerk "Well then, you'd better go ahead and get the red one. Unless you want to save money and get the tan. The tan is up-gradable to the red later. We offer our "Red Dye Overdrive Kit" for $100. Seventy percent increase in performance."
Bart "Let's go with a tan one."
Clerk "Ok. That's gonna run you $400. What more...

Letter from a Guitarist to the "Dear Abby" help column in a newspaper.

Dear Abby
I think my wife is cheating on me.
I am a working musician and, as you would expect, travel a lot.
I have been noticing strange things happening when I get home. Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside to answer it or she says, "I'll call you back later". When I ask her who called she gets evasive.
Sometimes she goes out with friends but comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner and walking the rest of the way.
I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.
A buddy of mine plays guitar in a band. He told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs.
He wanted to borrow my guitar amp. That's when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really happening. I said "sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig and see if she comes into the venue and who she more...