Aboard Jokes / Recent Jokes

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me! cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an more...

A very large passenger plane was flying over the ocean to Europe, 400 people aboard. The intercom comes on.

'Welcome aboard. This plane is built with the very latest in technology. We are flying on automatic pilot.

Do not be alarmed. There is absolutely nothing that can go wrong, go wrong, go wrong, go wrong...

: Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief...
"They're made out of meat, Sir."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them
aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from
machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These more...

Miss Bradshaw, a comely high school teacher, had saved money for several years and was finally aboard a sleek ocean liner for her long-anticipated trip to Europe. Aboard ship, she wrote:

"Dear Diary: Monday. I felt singularly honored this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at his table. Tuesday. I spent the entire morning on the bridge with the Captain. Wednesday. The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a gentleman. Thursday. Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals. Friday. This afternoon I saved sixteen hundred lives."