Absolutely Jokes / Recent Jokes
Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women, up from almost none a year ago.
- Detroit News article
Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee
- Toronto Star headline
Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6.
- Entrepreneur Magazine ad
Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out
- The Tallahassee Bugle
Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs
- The Anchorage, Alaska Times
Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming
- The New Haven, Connecticut Register
Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters
- The Tallahassee Democrat
Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely!
- The Houston Chronicle
Governor's Penis Busy [should be "Pen Is"]
- The New Haven, Connecticut Register
Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son
- The Arkansas Plainsman
Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands
- Bangor Maine News
Starr Aghast more...
Florida State football coach Bill Peterson: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." He also said, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Mike Tyson, about writer Wallace Matthews: "He called me a rapist and a recluse. I'm not a recluse."
Weightlifting commentator Pat Glenn: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
Alan Minter: "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
Football coach Bill Peterson: "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
Basketball player Jason Kidd: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Soccer coach Ron Greenwood: "I don't hold water with that theory."
Baseball player Pedro Guerrero, on sportswriters: "Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
Tennis more...
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in the highest esteem.
One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is absolutely true?
"N o," the man said, "I actually just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what more...
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.
Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did."
They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the more...
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.Now more...
After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot. In my modern and carefully tested system an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible,..."
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.