Accent Jokes / Recent Jokes

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent. People walk slower here. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big more...

Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say' good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you more...

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Do not buy food at the movie store.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
People walk slower here.
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a more...

Two Malaysian mats are walking along Boon Lay Road when they see a sign which reads:' Suits $5. 00 each, shirts $2. 00 each, trousers $2. 50 per pair'. Ali says to his pal, "Gerek, sial! We could buy a whole lot and when we get back to Johor, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you diam-diam, okay? Just let me do all the talking' cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us. I'll speak in my best Singapore accent." They go in and Ali orders 50 suits at 5. 00 each, 100 shirts at 2. 00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at 2. 50 each. The owner of the shop says, "You're from Malaysia, aren't you?" "Oh,. .. yes," says a surprised Ali. "How come you know that?" The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners."

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
Use CB lingo where applicable.
Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
Answer their questions with questions.
In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, PUCE.
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them more...

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
Use CB lingo where applicable.
Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
Answer their questions with questions.
In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them more...

About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up. "They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?"
"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"