Account Jokes / Recent Jokes

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.
The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."
The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."
The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."
The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"
Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People"
The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"
But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"

An eighteen-year-old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished Englishman with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
"If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, beach villa and a $1, 000, 000 bank account."
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of more...

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir...," the manager said, "...and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Blond's Letter to Bill Gates
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only *** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password ****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.
2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down' button.
3. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change more...

Man walks up to bank teller and says"I wanna open a damn savings account" Teller says "thats fine sir, but you dont have to use profanity", to which the man replys,"just let me have a goddamn savings accout." "Sir, the teller says, that type of language will not be tolerated here, perhaps you should speak to my boss." "FINE, says the man, get the son of a bitch."The tellers boss comes over and says,"what seems to be the problem?" The man says,"I just won 5 million in the lottery, and all I want to do is open a goddamn savings account." and the boss says,"And this Bitch wont help you?"

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, "Gambling." "Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?" "Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For more...