Account Jokes / Recent Jokes

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2006 & 2007. Because of your kindness and advice.
* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.
* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.
* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will more...

A man goes up to an ATM machine. After entering his PIN, another man comes up behind him and tells him to withdraw $500. The man says that he doesn't have any money and was just checking his account balance. He shows the robber by checking his account balance. Sure enough, the ATM shows that there is no money. The robber curses and flees.
The man then reaches into his vest pocket and withdraws an envelope filled with cash and deposits it.

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin'' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin'' checking account right now."
"Sir, I''m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There''s no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin'' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.

They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir.. . ," the manager said, ".. . and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card. You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."

There's a little boy and a little girl walking down the street one day.
The Little boy turn to the little girl and says: "My dad gave me five dollars today."
The little girl looks at him and says: "So what! My dad gave me ten dollars today."
As they get a little further down the street the little boy turns to the little girl and says: "My dad bought a brand new car."
The little girl looks at him and says: "So what! My day buys a new car every year."
Well this bothered the little bay a little but not to bad. As they walked down the street a little further the little boy turned to the little girl and said: "My dad started me a bank account last week and put in fifty dollars."
The little lookes at him and said: "So what! My start me a bank account and I have over five hundered dollars in it."
Now this saw pissing the little boy off, every time he told the little girl something she told him something more...

In March 1992, a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he
received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them and talked to them about the
problem. They said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.The following month our hero decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account he could end this ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his
credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled.He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next more...