Advanced Jokes / Recent Jokes

At a doctor's convention in Switzerland, a conversation was taking place in a tavern after an enthusiastic mid-day lecture.
A Danish doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany, we could take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we could take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The Sri Lankan doctor, not to be outdone, said, "Hah, we can take an asshole out of prison, put him in the Government and half the country will be looking for work the next day!"

Any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used.
Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.

Any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used.
Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a “rigged” demo.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.
Time Limit: 3 Days.
Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).
1. What language is spoken in Germany?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
____ A. build a bridge
____ (b) lead an army or
____ (c) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ A. Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish
5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far NORTH called?
____ A. Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) more...

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.Time Limit: 3 Days.Write Your Name: ________________________________________(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).1. What language is spoken in Germany? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to____ A. build a bridge____ (b) lead an army or____ (c) WRITE A PLAY4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)____ A. Jewish____ (b) Catholic____ (c) Hindu____ (d) Polish5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12? 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)8. What are people in America's far NORTH called? ____ A. Westerners____ (b) Southerners____ (c) NORTHerners9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)_______________________________10. more...

A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work."An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks." The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks."The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"

The designer
Bernie decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. He studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn`t take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.
His company was such a hit that the President of Israel called Bernie into his office. "I want to commission your company to build an advanced Israeli jet fighter.
Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn`t take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank God.)
Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at more...