Afraid Jokes / Recent Jokes

TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a more...

TO MY DEAR WIFE, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I havesucceeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. Thefollowingis a list of why I did not succeed more often:54 times the sheets were clean17 times it was too late49 times you were too tired20 times it was too hot15 times you pretended to be asleep22 times you had a headache17 times you were afraid of waking the baby16 times you said you were too sore12 times it was the wrong time of the month19 times you had to get up early9 times you said weren't in the mood7 times you were sunburned6 times you were watching the late show5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do3 times you said the neighbors would hear us9 times you said your mother would hear usOf the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 timesyou just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake more...

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because
6 times you just layed there
8 times you reminded me there's a more...

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver's side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.

After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?

This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulence or a firetruck.

I went out today and bought everything I've been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.

The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.

I really feel sorry for Madonna's baby, having to grow without a last name.

Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply more...

This is another joke I heard from a friend many years ago. It is however
a translation from an Iranian joke.
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the
food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir,
I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is
sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually
orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the
house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for
another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks
over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few
minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen
and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you,
whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out more...

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that ight that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die. The choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and when they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happened a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free. The Torontonian was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free. Next it was the Newfies turn. He said, "I'm afraid of needles and the electric chair won't work so I pick hanging."

To my dear wife,
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you more...