Afraid Jokes / Recent Jokes

A merchant asked a sailor, "Where did your father died?"
"He drowned at sea."
"And your grandfather?"
"At sea too."
"Aren't you afraid of the sea?"
The sailor retorted, "Where did your father died?"
"In bed."
"And your grandfather?"
"In bed too."
"Aren't you afraid to go to bed every night where your father and grandfather died?"

One beautiful Sunday morning everyone in the small town woke up early and went to their local church.
As they were sitting in their pews talking before the service began, Satan suddenly appeared at the alter.
Everyone began screaming and running for the exit, trampling each other in a desperate attempt to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon, everyone managed to evacuate the church except for one older gentleman who remained calmly seated in his pew. The gentleman appeared oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
This confused and angered Satan, so he walked over to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
"Yep, sure do," replied the man.
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," the man replied.
Satan, now more perturbed, asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man looked at him and calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 32 more...

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark. ”
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don't have to be afraid of the dark, ” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you. ”
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he's out there? ”
“Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him, ” she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom? ”

*Kissing/Light Petting*
What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath-- ewwww!"

*Undressing*
What he hopes you're thinking: "My G-d, look at the size of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My G-d, look at the size of that!"

*Foreplay/Oral Sex*
What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."

*Penetration*
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"

*Your Orgasm*
What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an more...

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. " Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Do you love this girl?"
" Oh yes, very much," he said," But you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."
" No problem," said dad, " All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
" Honey," her mother consoled, " more...

Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving,
EmilyDec. 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,
EmilyDec. 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank-you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted,
EmilyDec. 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down more...

A man went to his psychiatrist and said,
"What's wrong with me? I'm afraid of Santa."The psychiatrist said, "You must be Claustrofobic."