Afraid Jokes / Recent Jokes
MALE VERSION
First I was afraid I was petrified
At the ugly slapper that was lying by my side
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd assault me in your bed…
I tried to go, walk out the door
But you've been sitting on my legs and I can't feel them anymore
And now you're sitting on my face, my nose has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that your big knickers aren't made of liquorice lace
I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave
Only hope that no one saw me walking home with such a slut.
God the things that you get up to when you're half cut.
Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad,
God what made me want to court her?
With t*ts that look like Tesco bags I've just filled up with more...
TO MY DEAR WIFE,
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>> During the past year I have tried to
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>make love to you 365
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> times. I
>>>>>>>>>>>>> have
>>>>>>>>>>>>> succeeded 36 times, which is an average
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>of once every ten days.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> The
>>>>>>>>>>>>> following is a list of why I did not
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>succeed more often:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>> 54 times the sheets were clean
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 17 times it was too late
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 49 times you were too tired
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 20 times it was too hot
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 15 times you pretended to be asleep
>>>>>>>>>>>>> 22 times you had a headache
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 17 times you were afraid of waking
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>the baby
>>>>>>>>>>>>> 16 times you said you were too sore
>>>>>>>>>>>>> 12 times it was the wrong time of the
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>month
>>>>>>>>>>>>> 19 times you had to get up more...
A Little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little.
Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
- Claustruphobic
One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark. As he went inside, he left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was. She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom. His mother smiled and said 'The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid'. The little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if you're out there, hand me the broom'.
One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.
He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.
She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom.
His mother smiled and said 'The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid'. The little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if you're out there, hand me the broom'.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen