Aim Jokes / Recent Jokes
A Bama alum, a Tennesse alum and an Auburn alum have been captured by Iraqi forces and are about to be executed by firing squad.
First, the Bama alum is blindfolded and placed in front of the firing squad. The Iraqi officer said, "Ready, aim...."
The Bama alum yells "Sandstorm!" and all the Iraqis hit the dirt and the Bama alum runs away.
The Tennesse guy was placed in front of the firing squad. The officer said "Ready, aim.....";
The Tennesseean shouted " Tornado!!!!". All the Iraqis again hit the dirt while the Volunteer escaped.
The auburn guy thought this was great. When he was blindfolded, again the officer shouted "Ready, aim...."
The Aubie shouted "FIRE!"
*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom): Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling' ya those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has more...
A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad.
The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Avalanche!" The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped.
The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted "Flood!" and escaped.
The teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim and the teacher, remenbering how the other two had escaped, shouted "Fire!"
An Irishman walks out of a bar. Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast. ” A sign over the men’s toilet at the bar reads: “We aim to please - you aim too please. ” What’s the difference between a Bartender and a toilet seat? - A toilet seat only has to deal with one asshole at a time. What’s the difference between a Bartender and a stagecoach driver. - A stagecoach driver only has to deal with the same four horses’ asses all day. A man walks into a bar waving a checkered flag. The barman says I hope your not going to start something with with that. A chicken walks into a bar, looks around and says to the barman “sorry’ wrong joke” A sign in the male loo reads “Please aim carefully as the hands that clean this trough make your dinner. ” A guy walks into a bar. A second guy walks into a bar. The third guy ducks. So a dyslexic walks into a bra. . . A guy walks out of a bar on the moon, complaining “The drinks were more...
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim. . . "
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready. . . Aim. . . "
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready. . . Aim. . . "
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise more...