Alarm Jokes / Recent Jokes
Preparation for ParenthoodPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books anddecorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parentsto take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being amother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick abeanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip thecontents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist tohelp himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salarypaid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper andread it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple whoare already parents and berate them about their methods ofdiscipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, andhow they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways inwhich they might improve their more...
Time to do the inner-blonde test!! Pay close attention! There are 10 questions, so you should be able to answer them all in 5 minutes. DO NOT look at the answers found at the end of this document, that would be cheating! Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference!
QUESTIONS:
1. Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?
2. If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken?
3. I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being woken by the alarm?
4. Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?
5. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?
6. If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil more...
Intelligence Test Instructions: Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference! You will be allowed 10 minutes to complete the test. Write your answers in the spaces provided. Are you ready? What is the time?
Start.
1) Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? ____________________
2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken? ____________________
3) I went to bed at eight o`clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o`clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm? ____________________
4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get? ____________________
5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left? ___________________
6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil more...
The 12-Year-Old Boy Stood Patiently Beside The Clock Counter While The Store Clerk Waited On All Of The Adult Customers. Finally He Got Around To The Youngster, Who Made His Purchase And Hurried Out To The Curb, Where His Father Was Impatiently Waiting In His Car.
"What Took You So Long, Son?" He Asked.
"The Man Waited On Everybody In The Store Before Me," The Boy Replied. "But I Got Even."
"How?"
"I Wound And Set All The Alarm Clocks While I Was Waiting," The Youngster Explained Happily. "It's Going To Be Fun At Six o'clock."
Notice To Employees
A Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal opportunity for employees.
Under this policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" (RTB) will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty (20) RTB credits. These credits may be accumulated indefinitely.
Within two weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms will be equipped with personnel identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices.
Each employee must provide two copies of voice prints - one normal and one under stress. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during the initial introduction period. If an employee's RTB balance reaches zero, the doors to the restroom will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month.
In addition, all restroom stalls are more...
The harried stockbroker was suffering from insomnia, never got to sleep before dawn, then slept right through the alarm and so never made it to the office on time. Upon being reprimanded by his boss, he decided to consult a doctor.
The doctor gave him some sleeping pills, and that night he fell asleep immediately and experienced a pleasant rest. In the morning, he awoke before the alarm rang, jumped out of bed with new verve and vigor.
When he arrived at his office promptly, he told his boss: "Those pills I got from my doctor really work. I had no trouble at all waking up this morning."
"That's nice," the boss replied. "But where were you yesterday?"
My parents called last night and told me they are getting
an alarm system installed.
The package includes a motion detector in their bedroom.
What does this tell us about life after 50???