Albert Jokes / Recent Jokes

What did Marv Albert do after NBC gave him the pink slip? He put it on.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Albert!
Albert who!
Albert you don't know who this is!

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it''s the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others" he is told by the doorman.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"
"That''s wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"That''s wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That''s wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert''s more...

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Faster than a speeding bullet... more powerful than a locomotive... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle - you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then more...

Dorothy is very upset, as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.
One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.
The next day, Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.
She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man who was about your husband's size was brought in, and he was more...

Einstein dies and goes to heaven, only to be informed, that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do, and you will have to share the room with others." he is told by the doorman. Einstein says, "This is no problem at all, and there is no need to make such a great fuss." So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter, and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, here is your first roommate. He has an IQ of 180!" "That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!" "And here is your second roommate. His IQ is 150!" "That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics!" "And here is your third roommate. His IQ is 100!" "That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!" Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your more...

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter says, "You look like Albert Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths people will go to in order to sneak into heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk, please?"
St. Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and some chalk instantly appear. Einstein describes, with arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity. St. Peter is very impressed.
"You really are Albert Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
When Pablo Picasso arrives, once again St. Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso says, "May I use that blackboard and chalk?"
St. Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and quickly sketches a truly stunning mural. St. Peter claps. "Surely, you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
St. Peter more...