Alive Jokes / Recent Jokes

GENUINE COURT TRANSCRIPT... Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15) God must love stupid people, he made so more...

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. The cemetary must be the best place on earth; people are dying to get in there.
4. Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; no-one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; he made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start more...

There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.
Jack decided to contact a company more...

Three women sailing in the Paciffic ran into a violent storm and the next morning woke up on a small island. After realizing what had happened to them the women go and whip up some fishing poles out of the materilals they had and went to catch them selves some food. One of the women realizing she caught a giant goldfish yelled to the other women to come over. When the 3 women quieted down they could hear the goldfish saying something to them. The goldfish had told them theat she would grant them each one wish if they agreed to release her. The first woman told the goldfish that she wanted to be returned home but to be returned 10 times smarter than anybody alive so the goldfish did as the women wished. The second women said the same thing except she said 15 times smarter than anybody alive and so the goldfish did. The third women said also the same thing but her number was 50 the goldfish realizing this was to much intelligence for a women turned her into a man and returned her home.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move.
The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced, "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the more...

What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today? Scratching like hell to get out of that box.