Allowed Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

Survivor
Flush with the success of its latest creation, CBS is launching a new version, called Jewish Survivor. 16 Jews are put in a two-bedroom flat near Brent Cross in London. Each week they vote out one member until there is a final survivor who gets £1 million (but placed into a trust that does not vest until age 59). The Rules:
1. No maid service, no au-pairs.
2. No use of ATMs or credit cards.
3. No food must be bought in from take-aways or be delivered. This includes Chinese food.
4. All purchases must be retail.
5. Outside trips must be by foot, bus or underground. No cars, hire cars or taxis allowed.
6. All workouts/exercise must be done in regular sweatshirts - no designer labels.
7. There will only be one phone line for all 16 Tribe members. No call can last more than 3 minutes.
8. No mobile phones allowed.
9. No telephone calls to mother (for women), or the office (for men).
10. Maintenance problems must be resolved more...

This man is walking his dog, he sees a pub on the corner and decides to go in for a drink. When he gets inside the owner comes up to him and tells him dogs aren't allowed. " But this is a seeing eye dog, I'm blind". So the owner sits him down and gets him a free drink.
As he's walking out he sees his friend walking his dog. He tells him of the free drink. His friend walks into the pub and the owner comes over and tells him dogs aren't allowed. He says " But this is a seeing eye dog, I'm blind". He says "but your dog is a chiuwawa."
He says" They gave me a chiuwawa!"

December 1stTO: ALL EMPLOYEESI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols. .. feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis - Human Resources DirectorDecember 2ndTO: ALL EMPLOYEESIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your more...

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor more...

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce. It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades. You may not educate dogs.You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal to kiss your wife on Sunday.It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway. No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind. Cattle branding in the United States did not originate in the West. It began in Connecticut in the mid-nineteenth century, when farmers were required by law to mark all their pigs.It's illegal to clam at night in Connecticut. In Connecticut any dogs with tattoos must be reported to the police.In Connecticut it is illegal to pirouette while crossing the streetDruggists in Connecticut must pay $400.00 each year for a license in order to use alcohol in compounding prescriptions.Atwoodville: A local ordinance prohibits people from playing Scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak.Devon: It is more...

The following are laws from around the world which, though a bit unusual, aren't really that surprising....:
1) In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
2) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
3) Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered at all times.
4) The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
5) There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Now let's just think for a minute Is there any job more...