Amazing Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says to him, "New ball?"

The guy says, "Would you believe this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can't lose it. You hit it into the rough and it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell goes off. You drive it into the lake and a big burst of steam goes off six feet in the air for two whole minutes."

"That's amazing," says his friend. "Where'd you get it?"

And the guy says, "I found it."

An Australian businessman goes to Japan to negotiate a deal. On his first night his obiliging hosts take him to a high class brothel, where he is given a choice of women. He retires to a room, climbs aboard and give his prostitute a red-hot go, finishes up, and leaves. On his way out he asks the madam, "Excuse me, the girl was fantastic, aboslutely brilliant. But tell me one thing- on every downstroke, she'd scrunch up her face and yell' WARAMAKAZI! , WARAMAKAZI! , It was amazing Tell me what does it mean? " The madam seems embarrassed, but manages to tell the man that the word means " Very Good".

Happy the man goes to his hotel. The next day his hosts take him golfing. On the second tee, his Japanese host hits an amazing drive down the middle of the fairway which bounces twice on the green and trickles into the cup for a perfect ace. The Australian businessman turns and yells "WARAMAKAZI! , WARAMAKAZI! "

His hosts turns and says, more...

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well more...

INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS WITH AN AMAZING CONCLUSION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls
become.

Dear Santa,
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart.
Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all.
Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced more...

General Motors made headlines with the new Chevrolet Volt electric car.
Among its amazing features, it is said to get 230 miles per gallon, and, because of its amazing gas millage, is rumored to run on gas companies tears.

13. Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.

12. Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on.

11. "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the Hell out of Grandma.

10. Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger.

9. Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.

8. She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible.

7. His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister

6. During one trick, screams "Pick a freakin' card already or I swear I'll blow the little birthday boy's head off!"

5. Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love."

4. His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into "liquid gold" -- eventually.

3. Smoke emanating from more than just the more...