Amount Jokes / Recent Jokes

Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
MALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
* 6 Put window up.
* 7 Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to cash machine.
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down.
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive more...

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around more...

AN assistant working with a foreign concern applied tor a loan to buy a scooter as he had to travel more than thirty kilometres per day and change three buses to reach office. Management took a sympathetic view and sanctioned the loan tor purchase of scooter on the condition that it the assistant failed to pay the monthly instalments to clear the loan, the scooter purchased would be impounded by the company.
The assistant then applied for a loan to build a house. The management again sanctioned the amount required with the condition that it he failed to pay back the amount in monthly instalments, his property would be impounded by the company.
Now that the assistant had a scooter and a newly constructed house, he felt he could take a wife and applied for another loan for marriage expenses. It was granted with similar condition that it he failed to pay monthly instalments, the goods acquired by the loan would be impounded by the company.
The assistant acquired a wife. more...

Every one's heard Of Murphy's Laws. Well here are some similiar ones:
Dixon's Law: When you're driving behind a slow moving vechile in a no pasing zone; that vehicle will always turn in the same direction at the same intersection you do...
Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
Law of Airlines: The shorter the time between flights; the greater the distance between gates.
Law of Goverment: The amount of time required to finish any project is equal to the amount of time already spent on it.
Law of Energy: Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.
One Last Thought... Murphy Was An Optimist!!!

Pleased to inform customers that the YorkshireBank are now installing the Next Generation of new "Drive-thru" cash point machines: Customers will in future be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to you (Male Or Female).
Please remember and follow these instructions when you use the machine for the first time.
MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6 Turn the more...

Anyone can do any amount of work if it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

MALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Re-check make-up in more...