Angry Jokes / Recent Jokes

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him his regards with flowers for the occasion. The friend arranged it through a florist.
Flowers were received at the new business site and the owner read the card, which read. ... "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... "Congratulations on your new location"

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.5. The Female is never wrong.6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.8. The Female can change her mind at any time.9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.14. At all times, what is important is what the more...

Banta came into the bar, with a big scowl on his face, and ordered a drink.
The bartender says, "You look a mite angry. What's wrong?"
Banta says, "Well, I was in bed with this gal, and we heard her husband coming in, so I jumped out the window and held on to the window sill. He came over to the window and saw me, and got this big shit- eating grin on his face.
Bartender says, "Well, that would make me angry, too, Banta." "You don't understand, that's not what made me mad."
"Well, what happened then?"
Banta says, "Then he started banging on my fingers, trying to make me lose my grip."
Bartender says, "Well, that would make me mad too."
"You don't understand, that's not what made me mad."
"Well, what happened then ?"
Banta says, "Then he got a hammer and started hitting my fingers."
"Ah, then THAT's when you got mad, huh?"
"You still more...

An angry bartender was closing up for the night when he heard a knock at the door. He opened the door, didn't see anybody, and was about to close the door when a voice called, "Hey, down here."
The bartender looked down and saw a snail.
"Hey," the snail asked, "How about a drink?"
The angry bartender snarled, "First of all, we're closed. Secondly, we don't serve snails."
And with that, the bartender kicked the snail all the way across the street.
A month later, the same angry bartender was closing up for the night when there was a knock at the door. He opened the door, and there was the same snail from last month.
"You know," the snail said, "you didn't have to kick me."

Dear Dr. Science,
Why do male dogs furiously kick up grass and dirt with their hind legs after using the bathroom?
- Keith Henry, Sylva, NC
They're angry that they don't have access to a real bathroom and they're showing their displeasure. Not that dogs enjoy bathing, no, they just want to have a chance to sit on the porcelain throne and read the morning paper the way the rest of us do.
There are many other things that dogs are angry about and a myriad of ways in which they vent these negative feelings.
Biting the mailman is a common one. So is chewing shoes and making toll calls to the psychic hotline when no one else is at home.
An unsupervised dog is an accident waiting to happen.
(from Dr. Science this week)

Upon receiving flowers to congratulate him on the opening of his new business, the owner opened the card and saw that it read "Rest In Peace." He angrily picked up the phone and called the florist to complain.
After explaining the circumstances and telling the florist how angry he was, the florist replied, "I am terribly sorry for the mistake sir. Rather than being angry perhaps it would help to imagine that somewhere out there a funeral is taking place and they have flowers with a card that reads, "With congratulations on your new location!"

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do but to the best you can do.
I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it.
I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides to the story.
I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to more...