Anyone Jokes / Recent Jokes

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations Friendly fire - isn't. Recoilless rifles - aren't. Suppressive fires - won't. You are not Superman Marines and fighter pilots take note. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. Try to look unimportant the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready + when you're not. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds. There is more...

"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" star Megan Fox has told US Magazine she is horrified after accidentally snubbing a young boy that tried to give her a yellow rose at the movie's premiere in London, saying that if anyone knows who he is, she will send him a personal apology.
In other news, I'd like to apologize for ignoring Megan Fox's restraining order, and if anyone knows how I can get a hold of her, I would like to say sorry to her personally.

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.7. Shave.8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them more...

One man may not back into a parking spot becasue it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate. Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March. All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads. Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans. Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide. State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post. Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest. A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17. It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday. Drinks on the house are illegal. It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks. A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b) Smoking in the state more...

A guy walks into a bar and notices he's the only one there, apart from the barkeep, who's on the phone. The barkeep signals him that he'll be with him in a minute. The guy nods and bellies up to the bar to wait. Suddenly, he hears a little voice say, "Hey, you're looking pretty sharp today. New suit?"
The guy looks around but can't see anyone else in the place. He hears the voice again. "Seriously... you are looking good, chum. Have you lost weight?"
The guy looks around again and still doesn't see anyone. "Hello?" he asks. "Is someone speaking to me?"
"You bet! I just had to say that I thought you were looking just super!" A bunch of other tiny voices suddenly rose in agreement.
The guy realizes now that these voices are coming from a bowl of beer nuts on the bar in front of him. He stares at them as the barkeep finally hangs up and comes to serve his only customer.
"What'll you have?" asks the more...

Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.
When the priest says his little "If anyone know any reason..." ditty, say, "Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce!" or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see "Jesus Christ Superstar" with his mother on the night of your anniversary.
Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat.
Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.
Pretend you've been seeing the groom secretly. Claim you've had his love child and he looks just like him.
Say you've had an affair with the bride if you're female, and the groom if you're male.
Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you more...

A man who was going away for some time enjoined his son: "If anyone asks for me, you can tell him that your father has been called away to attend to a minor matter and be sure to ask him in for a cup of tea." Afraid that his idiotic son might forget his instructions, he wrote them down upon a slip of paper and gave it to his son, who tucked it into his sleeve and took it out to look at every now and then. Three days passed without anyone coming to see his father. Thinking that he had no more use for that slip of paper, the boy committed it to the flames. On the fourth day, however, an unexpected visitor dropped in. "Where is your father?" asked the visitor. The boy immediately put his hand into his sleeve and fished around for the slip of paper. As he could not find it, he ejaculated: "No More." Taken aback, the visitor asked: "No more? When did it happen?" "Burnt last night."