Anyone Jokes / Recent Jokes
Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.When the priest says his little "If anyone know any reason..." ditty, say, "Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce!" or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see "Jesus Christ Superstar" with his mother on the night of your anniversary.Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat.Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.Pretend you've been seeing the groom secretly. Claim you've had his love child and he looks just like him.Say you've had an affair with the bride if you're female, and the groom if you're male.Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you seriously.Silly string! or, better more...
Your co-worker tells you he has eight body piercings - none are visible.
You make well over $100, 000 and you still can`t find a nice place to live.
You think anyone who drives a car to work is decadent.
You keep a list of companies to boycott.
You would never dream of crossing a picket line.
You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than Canadian flags.
The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay.
Old friends you haven`t talked to in years suddenly call. "Do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?"
You think anyone wearing a Preston Manning haircut is Preston Manning.
You can`t remember... is pot still illegal?
You go to your office manager`s baby shower. The parents are named Judy and Amber.
You give a "thumbs up" gesture to a car with a "FREE TIBET" bumper sticker and you mean it.
You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown, and are more...
Anyone who has the time to look for a 4-leaf clover needs to find one.
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied." You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!""Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job." He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25, 000 and another for $50, 000." How in the world did you do that?" they asked." I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!""Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him." What's that?" he asked." Well, if you sell a policy over $20, 000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples." He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt more...
MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities more...
An avid ice fisherman moved a short distance onto the ice and began to chop a hole.
Suddenly a voice boomed out from above: "There are no fish in there."
The man looked around but didn't see anyone. However, he heeded the advice and moved to a different spot on the ice to chop another hole.
Again, he heard the loud voice say: "There are no fish in there."
The fisherman still couldn't see anyone. But he accepted the fishing tip and began chopping a third hole farther out.
"There are no fish in there,' resounded the voice louder than ever
Still there was no one in sight, and by now, the fisherman was becoming afraid. "Are you God?" he asked meekly.
"No," the loudspeaker thundered. "I own this skating rink."
MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.2. Nothing improves with age.3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.4. Sex has no calories.5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.8. No sex with anyone in the same office.9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.12. Virginity can be cured.13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't more...