Anyone Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once upon a time, in the Christmas Tree Forest there lived the
Christmas fairies. They spent most of their time practising
sitting on top of the Christmas trees. There was just one rule
they had to stick to... it was strictly forbidden for a fairy to
kiss anyone!
The trouble was that Floella was a wicked little fairy. One day
Harry the Hare was hopping through the forest when he saw Floella
sitting on top of a toadstool, combing her hair. Floella said,
"Hello, handsome, give us a kiss!"
Harry the Hare was shocked. "Father Christmas doesn't allow that! he gasped. "Anyone caught kissing a fairy will be turned straight
away into Goon!"
But Floella tickled his ears - just the way hares love and
whispered, "Don't worry, we won't get caught!"
Harry the Hare trembled with fear and excitement. He looked
carefully over his furry brown shoulder, saw that no one was
looking. .. and more...

1.(Of course) Laugh hysterically and for no reason.
2. Pretend you holding something like a small knife and swing at the air as if you are trying to cut something. If someone asks, say you were misinterpreted or deny the whole thing.
3. Wear headphones everywhere you go, leaving the plug dangling out, easily seen, and then stationary knod, as if to a beat. Pretend not to hear anyone unless they touch you to get you attention. Periodically forget to take off headphones when you are touched and act confused when you cannot hear them.
4. Sit in front of a library computer and twitch your eyelid for 20 seconds, the get up and browse the fiction E section. Repeat.
5. Sit in front of a public computer on Windows 95, 98, or 2000. Click the start button. Click it again... and again. After clicking it for about 10 minutes, declare that you need another computer because your start button is broken. When someone proves it is not broken, say "Black magic! You all use black more...

Sick of writing C/Pascal/Ada? This is probably enough to make COBOL
programming very attractive:
An ad in Tuesday's Australian, back page, right-hand column:
(copied without permission)
BANKING EXPR NOT NECESSARY
(4)COBOL PROGS... To 434K++
Low Interest Loans
19 Day Month
With this sort of income, banking experience would soon be obtained.
Brad Broom
[email protected]
PS: Anyone got a good COBOL textbook they'd like to part with?

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried...but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer...
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away... "Hello - we're all down here...."

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:


1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.
7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9. Damn, there go the lights again...
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of' em.
11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
14. I hope his family won't miss him
15. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is more...

A man named Jack was walking along a steep cliff one day, when he accidentally got too close to the edge and fell. On the way down he grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall. He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down for more than a thousand feet.
He couldn't hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him to climb up the steep wall of the cliff. So Jack began yelling for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him and lower a rope or something.
"HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? "HELP!"
He yelled for a long time, but no one heard him. He was about to give up when he heard a voice. "Jack, Jack, can you hear me?"
"Yes, yes! I can hear you. I'm down here!"
"I can see you, Jack. Are you all right?"
"Yes, but who are you, and where are you?"
"I am the Lord, Jack. I'm everywhere."
"The Lord? You mean, GOD?"
"That's more...

There was this guy who wanted to find out how to go to paradise. He asked around and found out if he went up this great mountain there will be a priest there who would tell him the magic words to go to paradise.
He immediately prepared for his journey. For 40 days and 40 nights he climbed the great mountain. Finally he reached the top and found the priest. He asked the priest what are the magic words to go to paradise. The priest replied because you went through so much trouble to find out I will tell you, the words are " ISTA LUCKADY LAA LAA SUNTHARI KORA KOPPARA KOYYAH!!! Then the priest warned the guy not to tell anyone else the magic words. For if he does, the other person would go to paradise and he wont.
With this in mind he went to his hometown and called all the men. He told them, he knows the magic words to go to paradise. He told them that it's "ISTA LACKADY LAA LAA SUNTHARI KORA KOPPARA KOYYAH!!!" They said it and everyone except him went to more...