Anyway Jokes / Recent Jokes

You Know You're From a Small Town When...
The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.
No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.
Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.
The city limits signs are both on the same post!
The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.
The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.
The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions.
Second Street is in the next town more...

The greatest spectacle in sports, The Indy 500 (auto race) will be held next weekend. It is probably the single biggest party in the world (about 500,000 people attend). The race is almost secondary to the general debauchery that occurs. It seems like everyone shows up with a case of Budweiser and an attitude.
They allow spectators into the infield of the track, which is amazing since they can't see a single car the entire time. Those folks go just to party. There is one infamous area of the infield called the Snake Pit, where the motorcycle gangs hang out and cops don't even dare to go in alone.
Being from Indianapolis I have always gone to the race. Our family has the same seats in the stands every year, though I'm usually the only one who uses them. I've always taken my rowdy friends and had a good ole time.
This year, my wife has invited her parents to go with us. This will certainly put a big cramp in my race day style, so I created the following ripoff on Letterman's more...

You Know You're From Westchester When...
You go to a Dave Matthews Band concert and end up running into people you know from your school.
Half the people in your school mysteriously develop inner-Queens accents during 7th and 8th grade.
Starbucks is a regular stop for you.
You say Abercrombie & Fitch makes you want to puke, yet you sport at least one outfit from the store each week
NYU is your top choice for college.
If you go to Catholic school, you know everyone at all the Catholic schools in Westchester.
If you go to public school you still manage to know everyone at all the Catholic schools in Westchester.
Below 1400 is a "so-so" SAT score
You claim to hate your school, but you go to all the dances and play at least one varsity sport anyway.
Even though your best friend lives a stone's throw away, you have most of your conversations with him/her on AOL or AIM.
You know you have to act tough when going to The Galleria, or else more...

Just before the start of the Christmas Eve Service, the minister
suddenly drops dead. Everyone looks around to see who will
conduct the services with a full house in attendance.
The president of the congregation looks at the vice-president and
as they try to decide what to do, from the back of the room Jack
the Junk Dealer yells out "I have a fantastic dog that sings
hymns, gives the best sermons you could ever hope to hear and
brings people to tears of joy."
With limited possibilities at the moment, they decide to give him
a try.
Up he goes to the pulpit and before you know it, the entire church
is crying with happiness. Now I have to admit it's a bit unusual,
but the fact is the members were happy and isn't that what
Christmas is about anyway?
Anyway, following the service, the president calls over the dog's
owner and offers to give him a contract until the minister can
be replaced. Just as more...

The 5 Levels of Drinking
Level 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have
work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your unemployed
friends. Here at level I you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly. Why, as long as I
get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool."
Level 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against
artificial tuff. You get up to leave again, but at level
2, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with
my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long
as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers), I'm
COOl."
Level 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes
arguing for artificial tuff. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most more...

You know you're in a small town... - when you don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.- if you're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local merchants because you're the first baby of the year.- if you speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail at you- if you dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.- when the biggest business in town sells farm machinery.- if you write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.- if you missed church on Sunday and the preacher sends you a get-well card!

Thank you for calling “Heaven’s Gates” – your multi-church, multi-denominational hotline.
If you are a Methodist, please press "1" and your call will be transferred to the nearest potluck.
Catholics, please go to the altar and have the priest press "2" for you.
If you are Pentecostal, press "3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-Hallelujah!" and throw the phone onto the ground
Presbyterians, please form a committee. If there’s a quorum present and a 2/3 majority vote in favor of the motion, please press 4.
Lutherans, please press whatever number you wish, because, after all, you are the ONLY ones who use this line.
For the Amish, please walk to the nearest Mennonite and have them press "5".
Jehovah's Witnesses, please consult the secondary manual then press "5-6-6-2-5" – or “K-N-O-C-K” before 9pm.
If you are Jewish, and it is not a holiday, please press "7"
If you are Jewish, and more...