Applies Jokes

Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe and Happy Halloween.
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if
it's really dead.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief
in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill
them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody
else's voice.
When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply
to any other house of the dead as well.
If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out
that it's just the cat, GET more...

Pillow talk in Missouri: Has sex been outlawed?
KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP) - Birds do it. Bees do it. But Missourians aren't allowed to do it, according to some interpretations of a new state law.
"I don't know what they were trying to say, but I know that what they did say seems to outlaw sex altogether," said David Foster, director of the writing lab a the University of Missouri-Kansas City.
Others disagree. One legislator says it legalizes homosexual sex and outlaws nonconsensual sex. Another says it outlaws homosexual sex and nonconsensual sex.
The law, which took effect Aug. 28, says: "A person commits the crime of sexual misconduct in the first degree if he has deviate sexual intercourse with another person of the same sex, or he purposely subjects another person to sexual contact or engages in conduct which would constitute sexual contact except that the touching occurs through the clothing without that person's consent."
Attorney Dan Viets more...

- Don't assume the telephone calls are coming from another house.
- When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
- Don't go into the basement to check the power when the lights go out!
- If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
- When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone.
- Don't have sex. Especially if you've noticed a few of your friends are missing!
- As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open a portal to Hell.
- Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
- If you're searching for more...

A college graduate applies for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he is given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the young man is alone, he steps into an empty hallway and opens the packet. Inside, a message reads: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."

There are all kinds of dress codes and laws on a golf course, but more importantly, there are laws of life that you will adhere to if you play the game.

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have inner peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If more...