Argument Jokes / Recent Jokes

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser more...

Any argument that a man and woman are involved in, the woman gets the last word. Anything a man says afterwards is the beginning of a new argument.

A man marries a woman, expecting she will never change, and she does. A woman marries a man expecting he WILL change, and he doesn't.

The best argument against democracy is a five minute talk with the average voter.

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

* Drink Liquor

Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

* Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians more...

A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex. The general maintained that sex was 60 per cent work and 40 per cent fun. The colonel said it was 75 per cent work and 25 per cent fun. The major thought it was 90 per cent work and 10 per cent fun. At the height of the argument, a private appeared at the door.
"Let's leave it to him," said the major.
The private listened carefully and said with an air of absolute finality, "If you will pardon me, Sirs, sex is 100 per cent fun and no work at all."
"How do you figure that?" cried the astonished officers.
"It is very simple," said the private. "If there was any work in it at all, you guys would have me doing it for you."

NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as LardAss, Butt-Breath, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22. 50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument! DRESSING UP: A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. A woman will more...

A man and a woman drove along in silence - the quiet part of a nasty argument. Their country drive took them past a farm with a pigpen full of pigs wallowing in the mud.
"Relatives of yours?" she asked sarcastically.
"Yep - those are my in-laws," he replied.