Argument Jokes / Recent Jokes

Heard at a rock concert at La Trobe University,
Melbourne Australia.
I had a major argument with my girlfriend, Helen. I was in the wrong,
but not enough to back down without an argument.
So after storming away, and cooling off, I had a think. I was
clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma
it had caused.
So to make it up to Helen, I said I'd buy her a gift.
"Any thing at all, my love," I said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know," replied Helen,"You really shouldn't do
this you know. But, if you are, just get me something
really expensive, that I don't need."
The following day I booked her in for chemotherapy.

A man and a woman drove along in silence -- the quiet part of a nasty argument. Their country drive took them past a farm with a pigpen full of pigs wallowing in the mud. "Relatives of yours?" she asked sarcastically. "Yep -- those are my in-laws," he replied.

A newly wed couple had just had an argument coming home from the reception. Driving along in silence they pass a farm with all kinds of animals on it. Breaking the silence, the husband asks: "Relatives?" and without missing a beat the wife replies: "Yes, in-laws."

A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue. Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17,
making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got
one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove
home.

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any
opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great
respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
1) Drink liquor.
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a
subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice,
you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you
drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have strong views about the Peruvian economy.
You'll be a wealth of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly
upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
2) Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying more...

A Jewish man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, though...
"It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you!" she said.
"Oy! I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation...
As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. The husband abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
"This is Havaii," the man replied.
"Ha!" the husband said, turning to his wife, "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me? I'm alllll-ways right!"
As the began to walk away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"
"You're Velcome!!!"

There were two good friends (roommates, actually) at a University. One of them was a Chinese and the other was a Jew.
One day they went drinking and had a little too much. Upon staggering back home, they got into some stupid mindless argument. One thing led to another and suddenly the Jewish guy was pummeling the Chinese. Finally, exhausted, the Jewish guy stopped.
The Chinese, black eyes and all, opened one eye with some effort and asked him, "Why did you beat me"?
The Jewish guy replied, "That was for Pearl Harbour".
"But they were Japanese,..." exclaimed the Chinese.
"Japanese, Chinese, all the same thing", replied the Jewish guy.
Some time went by. Again they went drinking and had a little too much. Once again there was the crazy mindless argument. They broke into a fight as soon as they reached home. This time the Chinese guy had the upper hand and almost did the Jewish guy in.
Finally, winded, the Chinese guy more...