Arm Jokes / Recent Jokes

A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.
"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"
"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense to get his client off the hook. "My client," he told the judge, "merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few paltry items.
His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed solely by his arm."
"Well put," the judge replied with a grin. "Using that same logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. Your client can accompany the arm or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's help, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

How can you mend King Kongs arm if hes twisted it? With a monkey wrench.

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders ahamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it inhis bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and tosses it on the grill. The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've everseen!"The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in themorning when he makes the doughnuts!"and orders ahamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it inhis bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and tosses it on the grill. The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've everseen!"The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in themorning when he makes the doughnuts!"

Bath: A process by which humans use to drench the floor, walls and themselves. Retaliate by shaking vigorously and frequently.

Bicycle: Two-wheeled human transport device useful for dogs to control body fat or reduce boredom. For maximum effect, hide behind a bush and upon approach of such human-operated device, dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards-the human will swerve and fall, thereupon you proudly, but quickly, prance away.

Bump-regular: The best way to get human attention while the human is drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. To execute, maneuver your snout under the arm holding the liquid beverage. When your snout is properly positioned, with one smooth flowing action, bounce the human’s arm upward.

Bump-goose: A more involved maneuver than the bump-regular, requiring that you wrap your fore paws and legs around the human’s legs and begin climbing up the legs. This is a last resort when the bump-regular doesn’t get the more...

Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose. "Yeah. What's it called?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What's that mean?" A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for' come to me.'" Sharon took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me," she said, offering her arm to her friend again. "Does that smell like come to you?"

Robotic Arm Extends White Flag

The French space program took a significant step backward today as the European Space Agency announced that a much-heralded French Mars probe surrendered just moments after landing on the red planet.

The probe, which had been expected to travel extensively across the surface of Mars to collect and analyze rock samples, stunned the French nation by surrendering only eight seconds into its mission.

As millions of astonished Frenchmen watched on national TV, the probe extended a robotic arm -- designed to scoop up rocks from the surface of Mars - and raised a white flag aloft, waving it back and forth.

The probe then used a robotic shovel to dig a hole in the Martian surface before disappearing into the hole, apparently hiding.

At a press conference in Paris, French President Jacques Chirac denied that the probe had surrendered, arguing, "This mission was always intended to be eight seconds long. more...