Army Jokes / Recent Jokes
"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose
after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so
you can come and spit on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I ain't
never going to stand in line again!"
When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough."That's the only way to command respect in the Army," his friends said.So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth."Show me a sergeant and I'll show you a dope," Reggie shouted.No sooner had he spoken than a brawny, battle-hardened figure appeared."I am a sergeant!" he bellowed."I am a dope," whispered Reggie.
After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander
was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically
performed above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them
that Her Majesty's Army had committed to reward each of the three
soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different
parts of the man's body.
The commander addressed the first soldier, "Where would you like
to be measured, Sergeant?" "From the tip of me head to the soles
of me feet, Sir!" he replied. "Very good!," the commander said,
and the sergeant was measured at 6'5." He was paid the handsome
sum of 7000 pounds.
The second soldier was asked, "What about you, Corporal?" "Between
the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir!" the corporal
said. "Very good!" replied the commander. The corporal, a man of
considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 more...
ARMY: Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever, ever volunteer to do anything.
An army sergeant told Private Perkins to go to the end of the line. He did, but then returned. "I thought I told you to go to the end of the line," barked the NCO. "Why did you come back?" "Because there's already somebody there!"
The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows theres no such thing as a perfectly good aircraft," the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump.""Youve got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary."