Arse Jokes / Recent Jokes

(This is one that was told to me by an American when I was in Germany, 30 years ago)

This man had a great pain in his tummy, so he decided to go and see his Doctor.
The Doctor examined the man's stomach and proclaimed that he had a huge worm therein. It was a monster of a worm!
The Doctor told the man that there was only one way in which to get rid of it, and asked him to come back the next evening at 5 pm and to bring a banana, a hammer and a cookie when he comes.
The man exclaimed, "A banana, a hammer and a cookie?" and the doctor replied, "Yes, a banana, a hammer and a cookie.
The man went away puzzled and came at 5pm the next day with a banana, a hammer and a cookie.
The Doctor took the man into his surgery and asked him to take off his pants and to bend over. He then unpeeled the banana and shoved it up the man's arse and beat it right in with the hammer, started a stop-watch and exactly five minutes later he shoved the cookie up more...

One day a child and his father are on a bike ride down a country lane until the man falls off, and shouts BASTARD as he wimpers in pain and the child asks "Daddy what does bastard mean". The man still wimpering in pain looks around and searches for something and he sees a police car in the distance and says to his son, "Bastard means police man son". Later on when they get home, the man is watching a football match and has just lost a bet on it and shouts "My arse" due to an offside and the child asks his dad, "What does my arse mean dad?" so the man puzzled again looks around and looks at the door and sees the doormat, and says "Doormat son, doormat" later that night, the man is shaving and cuts himself and screams "SHIT!" and the little boy asks what shit means. His father still holding his face feels the shaving cream and says "Shaving cream son, shaving cream," The little boy walks downstairs and his mum has more...

George was a bad loser. When he was cleaned out in a poker game for very high stakes, he slapped his hand on the table and got up to leave. As he walked past, he couldn't resist insulting Max McTavish, the bald man who had cleaned him out.
As George walked past, he ran a hand over Max's bald head and said sarcastically, "Your head feels just like my wife's arse."
Max put a hand to his head and said, "By crikey, mate. You're right. It does!"

This couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar. A bloke goes up to the women and says, "I really really want to squeeze you tit's. Will you let me?"
The lady turns around and says, "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!"
The bloke then says, "Oh you have a lovely arse can I rub it, please let me?"
The lady turns around and says, "Look you pervert get away from me! I'll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don't piss off!"
The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman, "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp."
"RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman.
Just then her boyfriend comes out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin' on here?!?"
The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my tits!"
Her boyfriend rolled up one of his sleeves more...

Three men wandered to jungles and were captured by a tribe of natives. The chief came to the men and said, "You have crossed our tribal land and now must be punished. You have a choice, Bunda or death."

The first man said,"Well... I don't want to die so I chose Bunda!" The whole tribe lined up and gave it to him up the arse. He crawled away in agony. The chief looked to the second man and told him to choose.

The second man said,"well... that looked painful as hell, but it's better than death... I choose Bunda!" So, again the whole tribe lines up and gives it up the arse to the second man and he crawls away in agony.

The Third man said, "Fuck this, I want DEATH!"

The Chief turn the the tribe and yelled, "DEATH BY BUNDA!!!!"

A lion in the London Zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said,' That's a docile old thing, isn't it?'
' No way,' said the keeper,' it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged an Australian tourist into the cage and completely devoured him.'
' Hardly seems possible,' said the astonished visitor,' but why is it lying there licking its arse?'
' The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth.'

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse."Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language."That's okay," the blonde replied,"If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."