Art Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Ten Commandments
1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard on the opposite sexes genetalia
2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one
3. Thou shall kiss at every given opportunity
4. If thou kissed someone, and was slapped, thou shalt not kiss her again.
5. Thou shall never bite when in the act of french kissing
6. Thou shall not pay for sexual intercourse
7. Thou shall not date members of state or Musicians
8. Thou shall not have sexual intercourse in public convieniences.
9. thou should never turn down free sexual intercourse
10. Procreate at will
Religions of the world
Taoism: Shit happens
Confucianism: Confucius say, shit happens
Hinduism: This shit has happened before
Buddhism: Shit happens, yet shit does not happen
Islam: Shit happens, is Allah wills
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?
Protestantism: Let shit happen to other people
Catholicism: If shit more...

State of the Art: What we could do with enough money.

Moshe Rabbinowitz decides to join the country club near his home. He goes in and is turned down flat because he does not meet their "standards." So he enrolls in the finest schools to learn the art of being culturally rich. Moshe learns to cook the finest of foods, appreciate the best art, drive the best car, wear the classiest suits, etc. He even hires Professor Henry Higgins to educate him in the proper speech and behavior. The big day arrives. Martin James Roget arrives at the country club forhis interview. "Tea?" the interviewer asks. "Earl Grey, hot please." "Hobbies?" "Polo, racket ball, hunting." "Religion?" "Goy."

This was passed on to me by a colleague. Original source appears to be from W. Fred Rump from a German geneology list.
A cat flap is called a cat flap because they are designed for use by cats as opposed to dogs, giraffes or humans. They are relatively small openings in doors of houses that let the cat go in and out at leisure.
In Germany, Gunther Burpus remained wedged in his front door cat flap for two days because passers-by thought he was a piece of installation art.
Mr. Burpus, 41, of Bremen, was using the flap because he had mislaid his keys. Unfortunately he was spotted by a group of student pranksters who removed his trousers and pants, painted his bottom bright blue, stuck a daffodil between his buttocks and erected a sign saying: "Germany Resurgent, an Essay in Street Art. Please give generously."
Passers-by assumed Mr. Burpus' screams were part of the act and it was only when an old woman complained to the police that he was finally more...

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turnedto an attendant standing nearby." This," she said, "I suppose, is one of thosehideous representations you call modern art?" "No, madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

The Top 10 Reasons That Parents Send Kids To School

To scope out any single teachers for Daddy.

To learn that useful Algebra stuff that every McDonald's manager uses daily.

No cable at home so the kids watch it at school and fill you in at dinner.

After the same damn episode of Barney 2500 times, its either send them to school or drop them off at the dump at the outskirts of town.

So someone else can deal with the psychotic little shits.

Not getting enough paste in their diet at home.

Easier to run escort service out of home when they're not around.

To study hard, and learn the fine art of perfect English to the point of getting a college degree just so you can use it for writing Top 10 Lists!

To learn the fine art of seducing older, more powerful male role models in order to get what you want or to fly on Air Force One (M. Lewinsky only!).

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.
He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies,
“I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale. ”
The collector says,
“Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat. ”
And the owner says
“Sold, ” and hands over the cat.
The collector continues,
“Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me having to get a dish. ”
And the owner says,
“Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats. ”