Asleep Jokes / Recent Jokes

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics? ”Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense, ”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next more...

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got on the train, he went straight to the ticket-man and said, "Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get off this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and I'm sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is to wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business deal there and it is very important for me. Here are 100 francs for the favor."
He continued by saying, "But I warn you, sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent; but no matter what I do or say you got to get me off this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"
So the ticket-man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later the man fell asleep... and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt!
He was so mad at the ticket-man that he ran over and started yelling: "Are you STUPID or something? I paid you 100 francs to wake me up and get me off at Mannheim. And you didn't! I want my money more...

2 children were sitting in sunday school and listening to the teacher the girl fell asleep and the boy un-bent a paperclip the teacher asked "Who created the Earth?" then the little boy poked the sleeping girl with the paper clip and the girl shouted "OH MY GOD!!!" and fell back asleep. and the teacher said "That is correct!" Then a little while later the teacher asked "Who died for all our sins?" and the little boy poked the sleeping girl again and she screamed "JESUS CHRIST!!!" then she fell back asleep and the teacher said "Thats correct" then a little while later the teacher asked "After Adam and Eve had their 23rd child what did Eve say to Adam?" then the boy poked the sleeping girl and she shouted "If you poke that in me one more time im going to brake it in half!!!" and the teacher said "Thats correct!!!"

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
So they awakened the old man and asked him to tell a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.
"I don't know how long I was asleep when I suddently was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest darned lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this:
"RRROOAARRR!
"I tell you, I just soiled myself!"
The young men looked astonished and one of more...

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around.
The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fire- place? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well," he began, "I remember back in '1966', we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!... ' I tell you, I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one more...

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

A pastor was getting increasingly annoyed with a man in the congregation who fell asleep each week during the sermon. He tried everything he could think of, but the man still kept falling asleep.
One day, he got an idea. When Sunday came around he was preaching on heaven and hell. When he determined that the man was sound asleep he quietly said to the congregation, "You have a choice: All those who want to go to heaven quietly stand."
To which the entire congregation (minus Mr. Sleepy) stood.
"Fine," said the preacher, "you may be seated now."
They sat. Then he continued, "Everyone who is going to hell, *STAND UP*!!!" to which the sleeper awoke and immediately stood.
He then looked around at the congregation who were all looking at him, turned to the preacher and said, "Well, preacher, I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and I are the only ones for it."