Asleep Jokes / Recent Jokes
A story I'll tell of a burglar boldWho started to rob a house; He opened the window, and then crept inAs quiet as a mouse. He looked around for a place to hide,'Till the folks were all asleep, Then said he, "With their moneyI'll take a quiet sneak."So under the bed the burglar crept; He crept up close to the wall; He didn't know it was an old maid's roomOr he wouldn't have had the gall. He thought of the money that he would steal, As under the bed he lay; But at nine o'clock he saw a sightThat made his hair turn gray. At nine o'clock the old maid came in;"I am so tired," she said; She thought that all was well that nightSo she didn't look under the bed. She took out her teeth and her big glass eye, And the hair from off her head; The burglar, he had forty fitsAs he watched from under the bed. From under the bed the burglar crept, He was a total wreck; The old maid wasn't asleep at allAnd she grabbed him by the neck. She didn't holler, or shout or call, She was as more...
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody`s satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.
A married man and his secretary are having an affair. They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretary's apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking. They fall asleep and don't wake up until 8 o'clock that night. They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass. The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.
The husband replies, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep. That's why I'm late!"
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains all over your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.
One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.
When they were finished they fell asleep and didn't wake up till 8 o'clock.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.
Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he's pretty weird).
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door.
Upset, she asks where he's been.
The man replies "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair.
Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep.
That's why I'm late."
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!"
Little Margaret was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Margaret, who created the universe?" When Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!" shouted Margaret and the Nun said "Very good"
and Margaret fell back asleep. A while later the Nun asked Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?" But, Margaret didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Margaret and the Nun said "Very Good" and Margaret fell back asleep. Then the Nun asked Margaret a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If more...
Boy: Dad, what's politics?
Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?
Boy: I still don't understand dad.
Dad: Think about it for a while son.
That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him.
The next day...
Son: Dad I understand politics now.
Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.
Son: The management is screwing the working class while the government's fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SHIT!