Asleep Jokes / Recent Jokes

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe? ”
When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “God Almighty! ” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour. ” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “Jesus Christ! ” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good, ” and Janice fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? ” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and more...

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep. The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!! Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!! and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!

Having a torrid affair, one afternoon a married man and his secretary were finding it difficult to contain their passion. They hurried over to her apartment where they spent the rest of the day making passionate love.
Eventually they both fell asleep and didn't awake until 9:00PM. Quickly getting dressed, he told her to take his shoes outside and rub them in the lawn. She thought this was a very strange request, but did as he said.
When he finally reached home, he was greeted at the door by his wife. Obviously upset, she asked him where he had been. "I can't tell a lie," he said. "My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we decided to leave work early, go to her place and spend the afternoon making passionate love. Afterwards, I feel asleep. That's why I'm late."
Taking notice of his shoes, his wife yelled, "You're a damn liar! I can tell those are grass stains on your shoes. You've been out playing golf again, haven't you!"

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner,
so let's call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator
of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of
your needs, so we'll call you "The People". We'll call the maid
"The Working Class", and your baby brother we can call "The
Future". "Do you understand, Son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it".
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went
to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously
soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his
mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking
through more...

A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."
The Judge ruled: "You put him to sleep! YOU wake him up!"

ATTENTION ALL MICROSOFT HATERS - I have sorted through my tagline manager and have found all of theMicrosoft bashing taglines I can possibly find. Please have yourself a laugh at Bill Gates expense:
I don't hate Windows - it runs great under OS/2!
"Chicago, Windows 4.0, Windows 95"?!?!?!?
"Mr. Worf, blow the Windows-powered Borg ship out of this Universe!"
#1 OS/2 tip: Drag the Windows folder to the shreader!!!
- Opens new Gates not seen through Windows!
.. Bugs come in through open Windows.
..Windows NT Performance", on the next "In Search Of"
After seeing Windows I realized Bill Gates is an idiot.
Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows.
Best way to dispose of the Borg: Give them Windows 3.1.
Bugs come in through Open Windows
Chernobyl used Windows
Downgrade your system for only 89 dollars! Install Windows!
Error 15 - Unable to exit Windows. Try the door.
Windows Error #F99 - CPU more...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"