Ass Jokes / Recent Jokes

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and having been told that there was a fortune to be made in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
The preacher decided that he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day, the racing sheets carried the following headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and this time it won. The headlines blared: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher to not enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper printed this headline: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.
This was just too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it more...

Two asses met in a market; one ass asked the other,' Why have you become so weak and sullen, doesn't your owner treat you well?'
The other ass replied,' No, my owner makes me work throughout the day and does not give me any food. He is very cruel.'
The first ass said,' Why don't you leave his house and run away?'
The other ass replied:' No, I shall not leave his house even if he tortures me, because my owner's daughter is very pretty. Whenever she does any mischief, my owner always abuses her saying that, "One day I will get you married to this donkey." I am waiting for that day to come.'

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.
When David was hit more...

Proctologists Of all the professions we fear, one stands out. No, it's not "mortician;" by then it's too late. This is a word that makes a certain part of our anatomy pucker in anticipation. Yes, the word is "proctologist;" the dreaded p-word! The mere mention of the word strikes terror deep inside most of us. 9 1/2 of every 10 adults would prefer a root canal over a visit to Dr. Finger. (Source: I Made It Up Survey) The other half is into that sort of thing. Proctologist; from the Greek meaning "pain in the ass." Did you ever wonder who was the first proctologist? My research shows it was Dr. Ben Dover, who was fed up with mainstream medicine and wanted to boldly go where no one had gone before, "I think I'll devote my life to making people as uncomfortable as possible... since dentistry is taken, I'll start at the other end." Have you ever gone to a party and been introduced to a doctor. After a hardy handshake, you discover he's a more...

15 Signs You Forgot Someone On Secretaries Day1. Phone messages delivered on end of spear. 2. Your important dictation somehow seems to blah blah blah I am a slave-driving cheapskate. 3. A copy of the latest bestseller "So, Your Head's Up Your Ass, Now What?" appears on your desk. 4. When did FTD start doing an "Up Yours" Bouquet? 5. First, a message that Cindy Crawford is on line 2, followed a few seconds later by Satanic laughter. 6. It's not so much the cold coffee, it's the staples at the bottom of the cup. 7. Your big business dinner at the Four Seasons Restaurant in Manhattan is rescheduled for Big Jeb's 24-Hour Truck Stop outside of Newark, New Jersey. 8. Nude picture of Marlon Brando pops up in your Powerpoint presentation. 9. Supposedly shredded Whitewater documents turn up in the Washington Post cafeteria. 10. Now answers the phone, "Smith, Jones and Tighta**." 11. That NY-to-LA trip she booked for you now involves six plane changes, a 12-hour more...

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says,' 'When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say' hell' and you say' ass'.'' The 4-year-old happily agrees. As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies,' 'Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son,' 'And what would YOU like for breakfast?''' 'I don't know,'' the 4-year-old blubbers,' 'but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!''

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. after mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. the monsignor replied, "when I`m worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor`s advice. at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. he proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: 1) Sip the vodka, don`t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late j. c.

7) The father, son and holy ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and spook

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of more...