Ass Jokes / Recent Jokes
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told that there was
a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter him in the
races.
However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he
decided to buy a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as
well go ahead and enter it in the races and to his surprise, the donkey came
in Third. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline........
PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered in the race again
and this time it won. The papers read..........
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this
headline.....
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of more...
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the sto.
In hopes that later, you'd be my ho.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled.. . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown.. . but so has your ass.
3. You're a honey.. . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a more...
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this... What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? So what makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then... H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But... A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And.. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND look how far ass kissing will take you... A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127% So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, more...
Banta has a cross-eyed bull that keeps bumping into things. He calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem.
The vet says, "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the bulls` eyes will straighten out."
The vet - a 70 year old man - inserts the pipe and blows. The bulls` eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his breath and the bulls` eyes are crossed again. The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again.
The vet looks at Banta and says, "You look like a strong man, why don`t you give it a try."
Banta agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the bulls` ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow.
"Shit!!!" says the vet. "What in the hell did you do that for?"
Banta replies, "You don`t think I am going to put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on."
15 Signs You Forgot Secretaries Day
Phone messages delivered on end of spear.
Your important dictation somehow seems to blah blah blah I am a slave-driving cheapskate.
A copy of the latest bestseller "So, Your Head's Up Your Ass, Now What?" appears on your desk.
When did FTD start doing an "Up Yours" Bouquet?
First, a message that Cindy Crawford is on line 2, followed a few seconds later by Satanic laughter.
It's not so much the cold coffee, it's the staples at the bottom of the cup.
Your big business dinner at the Four Seasons Restaurant in Manhattan is rescheduled for Big Jeb's 24-Hour Truck Stop outside of Newark, New Jersey.
Nude picture of Marlon Brando pops up in your Powerpoint presentation.
Supposedly shredded Whitewater documents turn up in the Washington Post cafeteria.
Now answers the phone, "Smith, Jones and Tighta**."
That more...
During a traffic stop a police officer is swatting at a fly that is circling around his head, and blurts out what kind of damn fly is that anyhow. The traffic offender replies, “that’s a circle fly”. The officer replies that he’s never heard of a “circle fly”.
The offender replies circle flies are usually found circling around a horses ass. Enraged, the police officer says, “are you calling me a horses ass? ”, to which the traffic offender replied, “no sir, but you can’t fool a circle fly.
Mother calls up stairs, "You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you'll be late for school!"As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, "Today we're gonna learn to swear!" The 4-year-old gives a fearful look. The 5-year-old continues, "When we get to the table, I'll say' hell' and you say' ass'!" The 4-year-old agrees with reservation. They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. "Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?" The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head... "Hell Mom! I'll have Cheerios!"He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking. Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, "Well now, what would you like for breakfast?" The 4-year-old replies, "I don't know ma... But more...